The Dominionists are Coming! The Dominionists are Coming!

In fact, they're here . . . they're determined . . . and they're freaking scary. Imagine the founder of the Moral Majority, drunk on power and taking his rhetoric to the 10th power. [shudder] Rolling Stone examines this group in some depth in their April 2005 online edition. A snip from that article:

Meet the Dominionists -- biblical literalists who believe God has called them to take over the U.S. government. As the far-right wing of the evangelical movement, Dominionists are pressing an agenda that makes Newt Gingrich's Contract With America look like the Communist Manifesto. They want to rewrite schoolbooks to reflect a Christian version of American history, pack the nation's courts with judges who follow Old Testament law, post the Ten Commandments in every courthouse and make it a felony for gay men to have sex and women to have abortions. In Florida, when the courts ordered Terri Schiavo's feeding tube removed, it was the Dominionists who organized round-the-clock protests and issued a fiery call for Gov. Jeb Bush to defy the law and take Schiavo into state custody. Their ultimate goal is to plant the seeds of a "faith-based" government that will endure far longer than Bush's presidency -- all the way until Jesus comes back.

"Most people hear them talk about a 'Christian nation' and think, 'Well, that sounds like a good, moral thing,' says the Rev. Mel White, who ghostwrote Jerry Falwell's autobiography before breaking with the evangelical movement. "What they don't know -- what even most conservative Christians who voted for Bush don't know -- is that 'Christian nation' means something else entirely to these Dominionist leaders. This movement is no more about following the example of Christ than Bush's Clean Water Act is about clean water."

The godfather of the Dominionists is D. James Kennedy, the most influential evangelical you've never heard of. A former Arthur Murray dance instructor, he launched his Florida ministry in 1959, when most evangelicals still followed Billy Graham's gospel of nonpartisan soul-saving. Kennedy built Coral Ridge Ministries into a $37-million-a-year empire, with a TV-and-radio audience of 3 million, by preaching that it was time to save America -- not soul by soul but election by election. After helping found the Moral Majority in 1979, Kennedy became a five-star general in the Christian army. Bush sought his blessing before running for president -- and continues to consult top Dominionists on matters of federal policy.

The article goes on to discuss the systematic approach they are taking to stacking school boards and other community organizations that set the tone and rules by which our society lives, let alone their impact on the larger government and judicial entities which so profoundly shape our destinies as Americans. Ponder what you've done to ensure all people are represented at the community level so that a small group of dedicated fanatics are not allowed to overwhelm the Silent (Tolerant) Majority.

Footprint of Life

[wistful memories] Ahhh, such beauty.

And the answer is . . . Nothing at all

The question? What do they really wear under their kilts? The answer? Mmmmm . . . okay, I'll stop here.

Finally! A Religion I Can Get Down With (or, How I Became Known As "Sister Cattle Prod of Desirable Mindfulness")

Jon Carroll, columnist with SF Gate, recently shared the following manifesto (sent to him via a spam remailer):

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. (The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. ) Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to . . . you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. (Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.)

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against evolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Let us pray . . .

When Good Patriotism Goes Bad

It is videos like this that buttress the argument that patriotism is nothing but jingoistic, over-emotional diviseness that prevents the world from living together as one people.

And I quote my friend Mike:

If they drive us to make videos like this one, then the terrorists have already won.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Excuse me while I go wash my mind and spirit out with soap after that one. [shudder]

Bwwa-haa-haa-haaah! Beat the Man! (or How to Navigate Famous Companies' Phone Trees to (gasp!) Actually Speak To Humans!)

No, really! I wouldn't yank your chain on this one. Find-A-Human will get you out of voicemail hell quickly and efficiently. Gawd, I LOVE the internet! And you can help with the handy-dandy ADD A NEW COMPANY button. Yup, all you sinners (you know who you are) can stoke your karmic bank account (yes, I know I'm mixing my religious metaphors - get over it). So be a mensch - next time you find steam coming out of your ears as you tediously pick your way thru voicemail menus of your now least-favorite large corporate entity, keep good notes and then make your pain someone else's gain.

Dental Work Brings Out The Cranky In Me

Once upon a time (like, 20 freaking years ago), a lovely young lass had her wisdom teeth removed. The dentist in question had some real problems removing one of the four teeth - in fact, they had to "section" (or quarter) the bottom left wisdom tooth in order to remove it. And having such problems, our dentist was none too happy to have our heroine insist on staying awake during the procedure - much easier to dig in and yank when folks are unconscious. However, finally the procedure was complete and off our heroine went to smoke copious amounts of pot (hey, it was Hollywood 20 years ago) and generally loll around until she no longer resembled a chipmunk.

However, it was a typically hot day in Southern California and, being young and thus lacking foresight, our heroine didn't have her pain prescriptions filled prior to attempting to navigate the Hollywood Freeway from the Valley back to her Hollywood home . . . through the inevitable traffic jam that allowed for a maximum average speed of -5 miles per hour. Fortunately for our heroine and the population of Greater Los Angeles, she brought a driver with her so when she passed out, the only panic attack it occasioned was that of her driver, the infamous Now-Ex (not a person known for handling emergency situations with panache). In fairness, our heroine's deathly pale pallor, seeming heat-stroke symptoms (I mean, it was REALLY hot) and quickly ballooning cheeks would have freaked the most stoic person out - especially when stuck in the middle of the Hollywood Freeway with no seeming alternatives to rescue her from the certain death that appeared around the corner. Nonetheless, finally they wound their way back to Hollywood, to a pharmacy, and finally to the homestead where a combination of codeine, Tylenol and marijuana brought life and liveliness back to our heroine.

Why recap that episode of dental horror now? Because our heroine (hey! that's me!) just had her wisdom tooth out. [beat] I'm waiting - you'll get it. [beat] Yup, it was recently discovered that said dentist (here on out, referred to as "the bastard") did NOT, in fact, remove all four wisdom teeth. It appears when the going got tough, the bastard got out . . . leaving behind most of the allegedly "sectioned" (or quartered) wisdom tooth behind. Yeah, "quartered it"- if, by which, you mean, "took only the top quarter of the tooth" (my current dentist referred to it as a "crownectomy" - WTF?), then sure - thanks for "quartering it." [end bitter sarcasm]

So here I sit, with chipmunk cheek finally subsiding to near normal proportions (but not before scaring the neighborhood kids) albeit a bruised shade of yellow-green that is normally not found outside a diaper (and a lovely abstract pattern of red veining centered therein). I'm out of Percocet but my oh-so-generous dental surgeon [oops, I already said I was done with bitter sarcasm, didn't I? Well, I lied - get over it] gracefully offered me another prescription of 600 mg Ibuprofen. Really? Wow! You mean, you're offering me the same thing I could accomplish by taking three of what's in my damn kitchen?!? Y'know, the stuff that doesn't cut it?!? Wow, thanks. [eyes rolling] I'm so irritated at doctors' over-the-top parsimonious attitude. This overreaction to the 60s/70s over-prescription years is so . . . 90's, y'know? Get over it. Finally, a medical board in Oregon has disciplined a doctor for undertreating a patient's pain. Perhaps the pendulum will finally find the rational center. In the meantime, my freaking jaw hurts and I'm damn cranky -and that's after taking two of the prescription Ibuprofen - 1200 mg total - and four Anacin - another 1200 mg. For someone with my tolerance for pain, that's not good. Oy. [end whine]