I Heart Procrastination

Following is today's writing exercise with the Women's Writers Group . . . A conversation with your inner muse, inspiration, writer's block . . . you make the call - write for 15 minutes without planning or overthinking.

Honora: Hi . . .

Inner Procrastinator: Hi . . .

Honora: You know, I'm already thinking of ways to stall on this.

Inner Procrastinator: Who would know better?

Honora: (sigh) Yeah, I guess so.

Inner Procrastinator: I just want to know . . . why?

Honora: I don't know. Well, I know some. One, I'm kinda lazy.

Inner Procrastinator: That's bullshit - everyone who knows you won't shut up about how many more hours you put in than most people . . .

Honora: (interrupting) More efficient, not just more. There's a difference.

Inner Procrastinator: Fine, but it's not about lazy.

Honora: In a way, yes, it is. I'm situationally lazy; just like I'm a site-specific extrovert. I have fifty things I want to do - I do five of them balls-to-the-wall, over-the-top perfection . . . and completely procrastinate on the others.

Hey, it keeps you employed.

Inner Procrastinator: Uh-huh . . . move on. What else?

Honora: Two, I'm a woman.

Inner Procrastinator: Okay, I'll accept that . . . to a point.

Honora: Yeah, it's partial bullshit. But it's just as much true as not. It's like I said to Mini-She at dinner yesterday - "Have you noticed how you're always helping others? So who helps you? Besides me, I mean? Are you spending ANY time on you?"

And I know that I'm so helpful to others, at least some of that, to avoid starting on my own priorities . . . goals . . . hell, I'll say it - dreams. Scary shit.

Inner Procrastinator: (eyebrows raised) A-hem!

Honora: Aww, shut up.

Inner Procrastinator: Well, don't you think that's the point?

Honora: (impatiently) What?

Inner Procrastinator: Gawd, I hate it when you're purposely obtuse. F E A R . . . ringing any bells?

Honora: Fine - ding ding.

Inner Procrastinator: So deal with it.

Honora: Easier said than done. It's fine to kick my ass and call me out, but these other points are not invalid. Hell, on some levels, they keep me sane! They get me out of my head. To outside folks, these other commitments are what I'm supposed to do - chapter leader of DigitalEve, vice president of legal geek org, and on and on . . . whatever.

Yeah, they take up time - but they keep my world from shrinking. (pause) It's called networking, y'know?

Inner Procrastinator: You don't have to be sarcastic. I am listening.

Honora: Sorry . . . (deep breath) So okay, I'm maybe a little defensive.

Inner Procrastinator: Ya think?

Honora: (wryly) Now who's being sarcastic?

Inner Procrastinator: (grin) Just take a deep breath.

Honora: Sorry . . .

Y'know, it is fear. But not the way you think.

Inner Procrastinator: Go on . . .

Honora: Oh, cut the therapist crap, will ya? (shaking head) It's kinda standard "fear of success" but not only that. All those other things I mentioned? Well, I have control . . . at least to the level I give a crap. They aren't my heart - they're just my mind. And I'm rational and have good business judgment and detachment on that stuff. I do what I can . . . I know when to compromise . . . I know when to walk.

But the 45 other things . . . if I start . . . if I fail . . . damn, it's not even that . . .

How do I let those things . . . just be? How do I not control? Because those thing are so much more than just my mind - they are my soul. They cut to the bone . . . to start those is to look into the abyss. It's all about not knowing - not controlling . . . just being & working & feeling & shaping. It's all so . . . messy . . . and scary.

Inner Procrastinator: And . . . ?

Honora: My courage isn't what it once was. I mean, my friends would argue that . . . and maybe they're right. But I'm sure more tired than I once was . . .

And then there's all that "fear of success" stuff, too. (grin) But not fear of being successful . . . fear of dealing with other people's reaction to my success. Fear? Burn-out? Potato-potahtoe . . . (deep sigh)

Inner Procrastinator: Of course.

Honora: Of course.

(looking at each other)

Inner Procrastinator: Don't stop. Start.

Honora: (pause) I won't. I will.